Criminal Intent’ premiere so you don’t have to

I will admit that I grew up on Jerry Orbach-era Law & Order, with my love for the crime drama series probably peaking in the early 2000s with the Vincent D’Onofrio-led Criminal Intent spinoff.

Despite being far removed from the Law & Order goings on in an era of TV’s fading relevance and ample true crime content options, I was pretty damn excited to learn that Toronto was getting its own instalment in the venerable crime drama universe — dubbed Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent.

My excitement only grew when a trailer dropped in January, hinting at a crack mayor plotline and living up to the franchise’s tagline of stories “ripped from local headlines” with a nod to the late Mayor Rob Ford’s career-defining drug scandal.

So, with managed expectations based on recent trends in a dying network television landscape, I got some snacks ready and settled in front of the TV for the debut of Citytv’s Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent, eagerly anticipating that initial “dun dun” to kick off the universe’s first foray north of the border.

Right off the bat, the franchise-defining spoken intro lost major points for me for the grievous injustice of shamefully pronouncing the second T in Toronto, like some kind of tourist.

The opening shots of the series lay on the local references quickly, with ample views of the city skyline from a party held at the Royal Canadian Yacht Club Island Club, and a reference to a cottage in Muskoka.

Now, here’s where I need to give you a spoiler warning: Turn back now if you actually want to watch and (try to) enjoy the episode.

After a heartfelt, and frankly a bit cheesy private conversation with a loved one, one of the party attendees appears to suffer a medical episode before plunging from a party boat into the depths of Toronto Harbour — or so it seems.

At this point, we’re about five minutes into the episode, and I don’t really know what to think yet. None of the lead cast has been introduced yet, and aside from some marginally convincing drama, my first impression was that of a typically bland Canadian TV production.

Still, the local landmarks and references were enough to keep me in it through the first commercial break (remember commercials?) and see where this was going.

We finally meet the main cast after the first commercial break, with some more location name drops like Marie Curtis Park and Lake Ontario, but more importantly, we get our second “dun dun” of the series — and yes, I will be keeping count.

It’s at about this point I begin to notice more stylistic details like a cold colour palette, giving the city a stark impersonal aesthetic. Also, more specific local references, like when Kathleen Munroe’s Det. Sgt. Frankie mentions the Island Airport and Aden Young’s Det. Harry Graff names the Scarborough Bluffs, Cherry Beach and Woodbine Beach in rapid fire.

If you’re wondering why that’s the first time I am referencing any of these characters by name, that could have something to do with the complete lack of character exposition in the first 15 minutes of the show.

We do get our first corpse at around this point though. A momentous milestone for the fledgling series. The victim? Some rich dude who was drugged and pushed off a boat. The motive? Probably typical rich dude stuff: but I guess I will need to stick around for another half hour or so to find out.

My interest was briefly rekindled when Karen Robinson’s character, Inspector Vivienne Holness, referred to the victim as a nerd.

However, at this stage of the game, I was struggling to see which local headline this story was ripped from, and the Toronto-specific geographical reference and casual insults were the only things keeping my attention.

The third “dun dun” of the episode cuts to Toronto’s Little India area on Gerrard Street East, where police question a textile shop owner.

Our fourth “dun dun” brought me back into things when the infamous adult entertainment club Filmore’s Hotel was name-dropped, where the murder victim appeared to have been having a secret liaison despite being wealthy enough to book a room at literally anywhere other than Filmore’s.

At this point in the episode, the murder victim’s wife and primary suspect in his death, is herself seriously injured in a hit and run — throwing the police’s theory off the rails and raising interest in a new suspect.

Fifth “dun dun” and we are now in a private home on Millbank Avenue near Bathurst and St. Clair for a melodramatic exchange between the investigators and their new suspect.

After a few too many glimpses of Toronto’s one-per-cent lifestyle via lavish mansions, the episode finally takes the investigators to a basketball court in the Moss Park neighbourhood to follow their latest lead and give viewers a taste of how most locals live.

We are two-thirds of the way through this hour-long premiere, and I feel like I have voluntarily subjected myself to something with the character depth equivalent of the much-maligned Madame Web, but none of the ironic humour.

But this appears to be a turning point in the episode. The investigators are building a solid motive for a crime for a Crown attorney, and this optimism is reflected with a warmer colour palette as the team walks through Nathan Phillips Square towards Old City Hall, loudly discussing a murder case — which I’m going to have to assume is not standard Toronto Police operating procedure.

Then the Columbo “gotcha” moment finally happens, and it’s pretty anticlimactic. A rather unconvincing web of cryptocurrency and love. I’d spoil it but there isn’t much to spoil.

The credits roll, and I get the sinking realization that I will never get that hour of my life back.

But just as I was formulating my final rating, the trailer for next week’s episode dropped — promising a story that appears based on the condo board shooting in Vaughan that made headlines across the nation in 2022.

Will I tune in for that episode next Thursday? Maybe. Will I tune in for the season’s fourth episode featuring a Rob Ford crack scandal storyline? Absolutely.

Do I recommend you make Law & Order Toronto: Criminal Intent part of your Thursday evening ritual? That’s going to be a hard no.

My overall rating is 4.6 subway station beef patties out of 10.